Storyline #7
Joey Gladstone revealed as San Francisco's most prolific serial killer, leaving as his crime scene calling card the freshly removed heart of his victims placed with a note saying simply "Cut. It. Out."
Producer note: I like it! It has kind of a Dexter vibe. Not as upbeat as I was hoping though. Can he also leave jokes?
We can all agree that the current crop of reality television is the lowest of the lowest common denominator. Rather than simply scrapping the lot, here are some commonsense repurposings for existing shows:
Celebrity Big Brother.
The life of everyday citizens is monitored for anti-government sentiment by D list celebrities via reverse televisual technology
Deal Or No Deal
What terrible political outcomes will Tony Abbott barter to country senators for their support in destroying the country? Tune in this week to find out!
The X Factor
Mockumentary following the hilarious antics of people living in the fallout of Fukushima
America’s Got Talent
Hard-hitting documentary series detailing just how much global instability has resulted from U.S. imperialism over the 20th and 21st centuries
Survivor
Series follows average minimum-wage worker in the United States
Cops
Watch unarmed black teens and adults get shot! New storylines every week!
The Biggest Loser
23 minutes of a silver reflective surface
Australia’s Next Top Model
How will climate change affect the liveable regions of this continent? We seriously don’t know, but here’s our best guess for where you’ll need to be in 2050!
The Amazing Race
4 part series documenting the history and possible future of eugenics
The Farmer Wants A Wife/Border Security
In this groundbreaking series crossover we give refugees the option of imprisonment on Manus Island, or marrying men in country towns – the results may surprise you!
Shark Tank
You will laugh and cry as you watch a succession of Western Australian political figures who called for the ‘shark cull’ enter a one-on-one battle to the death with an endangered species and easy political target.
My Restaurant Rules
Can an eatery lead a socialist revolution? Watch and find out!
Now that HBO and Sesame Street have reached an exclusive deal, its exciting to see what the hard-hitting, gritty network has in store to revitalise the long-running children's show. Here are some of the early announcements.
Cookie Monster has breakout performance, starring as both high-end cookie supplier and conflicted addict in spinoff series, 'Baking Bad'.
Big Bird confronts the fact that Snuffleupagus was Tyler Durden the whole time.
Finally get to watch Bert and Ernie do what they've been doing since 1969, in full HD and uncensored.
Elmo now the star of Law & Order-style procedural police drama, 'Ticke Me Elmo: Special Victims Unit'.
Two-headed monster tipped to play both roles in season 3 of 'True Detective'.
Final episode ends as Big Bird walks into restaurant, sits down for dinner with Elmo, then sudden cut to black with 50/50 chance of being alive/dead.
Oscar the Grouch found dead from inevitable heroin overdose. Count von Count suspected of planting 'hotshot' in corner dispute.
HBO announces season 6 of ‘The Wire’. Storyline revolves around corrupt puppeteers and actual wires.
Every episode not brought to you by the letters 'H', 'B' and 'O' are brought to you by the letters 'F', 'U', 'C' and 'K'.
11. When I smell bad I have nothing to blame.
10. Feeling out of breath all the time obviously the result of being fat.
9. Will have to suffer significantly longer from being alive.
8. No longer able to wreak world’s slowest revenge through second hand smoke.
7. Persistent cough now far more troubling.
6. Overwhelming need to continue obsessive sucking behaviour has led to surprising lifestyle change.
5. Have to find new ways to demonstrate true feelings to abused stepson and battered wife.
4. Saying nothing in group conversations no longer seems cool and aloof (just uninspired and uninteresting).
3. Becoming painfully obvious that ready supply of cigarettes was the basis of almost all my ‘friendships’.
2. Really puts a lot of pressure for stress relief on heroin addiction.
1. Does nothing to alleviate pre-existing cancers.
I used to be in the army. Basic training was terrible. Discipline, physical exertion and teamwork never agreed with me at the best of times, and being confined to a barracks with 30 other guys for 6 weeks didn’t help. Listening to one's bunkmate furtively masturbate every night isn't the uplifting emotional journey you might think. And the perfectly well adjusted don't seem to be drawn to the gun-toting, high-testosteroning, professional murderiser life as a rule.
I wasn’t a very good soldier. I made a lot of mistakes. But so did lots of other guys. I think you would be hard pressed to have found many of those 30-odd young men who enjoyed their time.
You would constantly think about how there was one day of leave at the four and a half week mark. Every evening you would talk with other recruits about your big plans for 'leave day', to try and temporarily escape the misery, if only through your imagination.
Leave was in the small town nearby: Wagga Wagga. It had everything you’d expect from a town near an army base called ‘Wagga Wagga’. A few bars. A bowling alley. And a brothel. That was pretty much it. The big day finally arrived, and due to our ignorance we were super excited.
We didn't realise that the nicest thing you could say about Wagga Wagga was that it was a shithole. In our minds, this was Nirvana (the transcendent place of paradise and no-suffering, not the Kurt Cobain vehicle that eventually drove him to eat a bullet). This was to be Shangri-La! This was the place in which our hopes and dreams would be fulfilled! It was only once we arrived in town, got off the bus, and our corporal drove away, and we were standing there looking at one another that the stark depression of the place sank in. Sad buildings. A sad street. And sad people. Apart from alcohol, there were two things we could do for fun:
1. Visit the brothel and have sex with a prostitute for $20.
2. Visit the bowling alley and play a game for $15.
Either way, there was no avoiding the fact that hundreds (if not thousands) of soldiers had inserted themselves before you, and had probably left behind a disease.
I bowled.
And I still worry about that finger.
That is all.
